Excuse me
But I just have to
Explode
Explode this body
Off me

Be warned. The following post is as bad as LiveJournal-pulp can be. Probably worse.

Seriously.

(Stupid bloggers. Always gushing about their stupid problems no one is interested in.) Great. Let’s add this to my Big List of Really Important Things I Missed Because of My Cowardice. Yet another thing that ended before it even started. Yet another thing I messed up because of my oh so wise rational thinking.

Yes, I am angry. I’m angry about my iPod that didn’t had any battery left when I needed it most. I’m angry about the SBB, that left my waiting for half an hour in the freezing cold when I wanted to go home as fast as possible. And I’m angry about myself because I won’t do anything about this whole completely fucked up situation except writing this entry and most probably not even posting it – because I’m too much of a coward, after all.

It started out so nicely. Unexpected.

It’s not that I couldn’t read the signs: the chatting, the invitation for lunch, the smiling, the ‘Oops, I didn’t even noticed what I ordered for lunch’ – and for a moment there, I was flattered.

Enters my wise-ass rational thinking. Of course it’s not about me, it’s because of something else, I don’t understand, I’m just projecting my own wishes upon someone that just wants to be friendly. After all, I only exist as long as someone wants a website, and if that’s not the case I just fuse with the furniture, blending into the background to observe the world that’s happening around me – and without me.

So I chose not to react. In fact, it’s fair to say that I didn’t react because I didn’t know how to react. I hid everything I wanted to say in labyrinthine layers of words, mazes of meanings, turning them on the way into their opposites, yet foolishly enough thinking that they could be unravelled – somehow.

They couldn’t. Instead, those labyrinths led to the realms of eternal frost. Soon, there wasn’t much bantering anymore. The flow of conversation froze. And I wondered, blue-eyed, why it happened.

Maybe I should apologise. In fact, I wanted to. But now, I’m not so sure anymore. I guess it’s too late, the ice has already begun to shatter, the pieces falling apart … I would just make a fool out of myself ( – on second thought, I already am – Oh, nevermind). And, not to forget: I’m a coward.

Geez.

I won’t get these things unless someone’s battering me with a post. Subtle hints are lost on me. I was once again too late. I have the impression that with every step I take I just repeat the preceding one, an endless loop – as if all results of every iteration would just been dumped directly to /dev/null – turning the iteration into a hung up program …

Terribly emo, that is. Terribly teenage-style, although I should be past that already. Let’s write a song about it – *aarghh*. I’ll better go to sleep.